Transcription of rare recording made between Katie MacAlister, author, and Effrijim, demon sixth class.
Transcription begins.
Katie MacAlister: Hello, happy readers. I’ve been forced by a certain demon in Newfoundland form to read the following text: a History of Effrijim, Demon Sixth Form—
Jim the Demon: Hey! That’s not the whole thing. Read it the way I wrote it.
KM: What are you talking about? I wrote this.
Jim: Yeah, I know, and it’s seriously sucktastic, babe. I pumped it up for you. Here’s the correct copy.
KM, reading: Oh for the love of…no! I’m not going to say that.
Jim: You have to. I’m the star, remember.
KM: One that can be replaced, need I point out.
Jim: Who had a highly popular Facebook page until a certain author got so jealous she took it down, hmm?
KM: You’re really annoying, you know that? Fine. The following is a History of Effrijim, Most Magnificently Handsome Demon Sixth Form, and those beings commonly known as Dragons.
Jim: With a side note on Guardians, and their cruelty toward furry-butted demons.
KM: I sincerely hope you mean demons in dog form, because if you mean anything else, I’m stopping right here.
Jim: Pfft. You love me.
KM, reading: The first appearance of Jim was made in You Slay Me, a fascinating look at what it takes to have a demon all your own should you happen to be a newbie Guardian who doesn’t know she’s a Guardian, and who is also a wyvern’s mate. Man, your handwriting is like slug trails. I can’t make that out. What’s that word right there?
Jim: Splendiferous.
KM, mumbling to self: …most splendiferous character ever created who literally makes the book…you’re kidding. The series was about Aisling Grey, not you, you egotistical twit.
Jim: Ash is nothing without me, babe. Nothing.
KM: Shall I tell her you said that?
Jim: No! Er…that is, don’t bother her. She’s off with the fam. She’d be pissed if you disturbed her naughty time with Drake.
KM: Fine, but if we’re going to do this, then I’m going to tell the truth, not read this convoluted attempt to twist everything into making you look good.
Jim, muttering: Bully.
KM: What was that?
Jim: What was what?
KM: Hrmph. Let’s see, where was I? You Slay Me was followed by Fire Me Up, in which Jim goes to Hungary and eats everything in sight including poison—
Jim: Hey!
KM: —while Aisling battled the oh-so sexy Drake. Light My Fire came next, and in that book Jim—again—eats something really bad for it.
Jim: I was hungry! Ash doesn’t feed my magnificent form enough. I can’t help it if I have to forage for foodstuffs.
KM: You ate an imp, Jim. An imp.
Jim: I was doing the world a service.
KM, taking deep breath: Because of this, Aisling has to cover Jim’s ass and make everything right while meeting Drake’s insane mother. And finally, the fourth Aisling Grey book Holy Smokes is where Jim decides it wants to be a Scottish Terrier, and Aisling gets Drake to the altar.
Jim: I did not decide I wanted to be a Scotty! I was just checking out the form!
KM: The next series of books focused on the dashing Gabriel Tauhou and May Northcott, starting withPlaying With Fire. In that book, Jim first meets May and her twin Cyrene—
Jim: Did you just say sireeen?
KM: That’s how you pronounce the name Cyrene, yes.
Jim: You’re kidding.
KM: No. Stop interrupting. Jim meets May and Cyrene—
Jim: ‘Cause that’s not how the audio book narrator says the name.
KM: It’s how I say it.
Jim: But you’re not the narrator.
KM: Look, they’re my books, so I get to say how the names are pronounced. When you write your own books, you can pick whatever pronunciation you like. Where was I?
Jim: Mangling names. You got Barbara Rosenblat’s e-mail addy? I’m gonna drop her a line and tell her you’re totally screwing up how she reads those books.
KM, taking yet another deep breath: In Playing With Fire Jim meets May, Gabriel, May’s demon lord Magoth, and pretty much everyone from the Aisling books. In Up in Smoke—
Jim: Hee hee hee.
KM: Stop it. In Up in Smoke—
Jim: Toke it up, man.
KM: Jim!
Jim: What? You don’t think of Cheech and Chong when you see that title?
KM: No, of course not.
Jim: Babe.
KM: OK, maybe I do, but I can act mature about it. Up in Smoke, the book that contains absolutely no drug references whatsoever, tells the tale of how May and Gabriel deal with all sorts of wacky adventures. Things come to a head in the third and last of the silver dragons book, Me and My Shadow, including Jim’s first appearance in human form, an event that caused it to complain so much, everyone wanted to smack it.
Jim: Whoa! No one wanted to smack me.
KM: Sure they did.
Jim: That’s just ’cause they’re jealous of my magnificent form.
KM: Whatever, dude. Ysolde and Baltic burst into glorious happiness in the first of the light dragons book,Love in the Time of Dragons. Jim fell in love with Ysolde’s skill in the kitchen right off the bat, and it didn’t hurt that her son Brom was just strange enough to make Jim feel at home.
Jim: Kid’s weird. Really weird.
KM: There was much screeching and unmanly begging in the second book, Unbearable Lightness of Dragons when Ysolde’s wonky magic accidently turned Jim back to —you guessed it—human form.
Jim: I did not beg!
KM: And with the last book—
Jim: I never beg!
KM: In the last book, Sparks Fly—
Jim: I asked nicely to be changed back! There was no begging, unmanly or otherwise.
KM: IN THE LAST BOOK—
Jim: Title doesn’t match the other two, you know.
KM: I know it doesn’t! In the last Ysolde and Baltic book, Jim does what it does best: get in people’s way, tries to mooch food off of everyone, makes untoward comments that would better be left unsaid, and basically gets threatened to be banished to the Akasha every other breath.
Jim: I totally make the book. Admit it.
KM: So there you have it, my little kumquats: Jim’s participation in the dragon books in a nutshell. I hope you’ll enjoy the third “Light Dragons” book, even with Jim’s shenanigans.
Jim: Whoa! Can you say that in public? I’m going to call Aisling and tell her that you’re using bad words in front of me. Since she had the spawns, she doesn’t let anyone say those sorts of words.
KM: What are you talking about? Shenanigans?
Jim: No, the other one!
KM: You mean kumquat? There’s nothing wrong with that. And besides, no one likes a tattletale. Jim, put down the phone. Jim, look at me, this is my serious author face right here. So help me, demon, I’m going to turn you into a Chihuahua if you don’t put that phone down right now—Jim!
Transcript ends.
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