The McSweeney's Book of Politics and Musicals

Table Of Contents

FOREWORD
Wyatt Cenac

My America: A New Action Movie Screenplay by Sarah Palin
Wendy Molyneux

Presidential Stats
Simon Rich

From the Diary of John Adams
Peter Krinke

An Anti-Washington Candidate’s Stump Speech
Pete Reynolds

My 1-1-1-1-1-1-1 Plan
Ellie Kemper

Where Is the Rest of This Graph?
Ben Greenman

The Only Thing That Can Stop This Asteroid Is Your Liberal Arts Degree
Mike Lacher

Debate for Emperor of the Upsilon Sigma Star System
Teddy Wayne

Vote Yes on SPLOST 5
Lucas Klauss

Barack Obama’s Undersold 2012 Campaign Slogans
Nathaniel Lozier

A Comprehensive List of Third- Place Finishers for U.S. President, 2008–2036
David Warnke

The Lesser-Known Slogans of Political Moderates
Kate Johansen and Katie Bukowski

Three Timelines of the American Financial Meltdown Told Through R. L. Stine Book Titles
Matthew Gillespie

Fragments from BAILOUT! THE MUSICAL
Ben Greenman

Political Decision-Making in the New Century
Sean Carman

Former CIA Director George Tenet’s Other Excuses
Christopher Monks

A Message from a TSA Full-Body Scanner
Jesse Adelman

A Guest Columnist Still Getting the Hang of It
Ellie Kemper

Extended Trailer for American Demographic 2012
Pete Reynolds

Your Attempts to Legislate Against Hunting Man for Sport Reek of Class Warfare
Mike Lacher

Little Housing Crisis on the Prairie
Susan Schorn

Atlas Shrugged Updated for the Financial Crisis
Jeremiah Tucker

Noises That Select Political Pundits Would Make If They Were Wild Animals Instead of Political Pundits
John Warner

Donald Rumsfeld: Love Doctor
Stephen Elliott

Parallels Between My Living Through Two Years of Middle School and the Two Terms of George W. Bush’s Presidency
Teddy Wayne

Republican S&M Safe Words
Nathan Pensky

Fragments from WEINER! THE MUSICAL
Ben Greenman

Someday My Concession Speech Will Be Read by Schoolchildren
Jim Stallard

Starting Over with Pat Nixon
Tom Gliatto

How You Voted
Jonathan Stern

30 and Pregnant
Rachel Friedman

I’m Afraid the Children Are Our Future
John Moe

How Superior Each Bar Feels to the Others
Ben Greenman

Classic Nursery Rhymes, Updated and Revamped for the Recession, as Told to Me by My Father
Jen Statsky

The Adventures of Right- Wing Conservative Robin Hood
Sarah Rosenshine

Two Medieval Physicians Debate Universal Health Care
Blair Becker

The Twenty-First Century Adventures of Tintin
Neil Graf

Youth Culture Findings
Dan Kennedy

April Fools’ Day Pranks to Play on an Unemployed Twentysomething Male Who Still Lives at Home with His Parents
Christopher Monks

Your Protest Signs Are Too Specific
Alan Trotter

Less Powerful Industry Lobbying Groups
Todd Rovak

Fragments from PALIN! THE MUSICAL
Ben Greenman

Marxist- Socialist Jokes
Jesse Eisenberg

What If Germany Won the War?
Mike Sacks

Metroid ’s Samus Aran Speaks Out About Gay Marriage
Marco Kaye

Abstinence-Only Driver’s Ed
Suzanne Kleid

A 1980s Teen Sex Comedy Becomes Politically Uncomfortable
Andrew Golden

For a Yellow Brick Wall
Mike Gallagher

The Stability of Data
Ben Greenman

How Bernanke Tackled the Depression, As Recorded 150 Years from Now by Post-Apocalyptic Hobo Folklorists
Grant Munroe

Ron Paul Gives a Guided Tour of His Navajo Art Collection
Jeremiah Tucker

Tribal Matters
Jim Stallard

Early Drafts of Patrick Henry’s Revolutionary Proclamation “Give Me Liberty or Give Me Death!”
Sam Weiner

Unpublished Federalist Papers
Maggie Ryan Sandford

Crate & Barrel Tableware Style+U.S. President=Fictional Delta Blues Singer
Josh Michtom

Patriotic Laundry Metaphors
Doogie Horner

Quiz: Rumsfeld Memoir Chapter Title or German Heavy Metal Song?
David Rees

The Next Wave: Candidate Product Placement
Pete Reynolds

Occupy Main Street!
Teddy Wayne

Operation Middle Class: A Fearful Rich Man’s Rules for Survival in an Increasingly Populist World
Luke Kelly-Clyne

I Will
Henry Alford

Word Problems for Future Hedge Fund Managers
Bob Woodiwiss

Mom’s and Dad’s Campaign Statements
Gregory Beyer

I Probably Shouldn’t Have Opted for the Cheapest HMO
Jim Stallard

Presidents Who Could Also Be Strippers
Noel Wood

State Rules
Colin Perkins

Great Quotes from the End of NASA’s Space Shuttle Era
Jim Santel

Things JFK Might Ask You to Ask Not Today
Kate Hahn

The Songs of Lenin and McCarthy
Jimmy Chen

Fragments from WIKILEAKS! THE MUSICAL
Ben Greenman

The Elements of Press Release Style
Gary Klien

Which Flavor of Ice Cream Do You Want, Daddy?
Miles Kahn

Aesop’s Fables Teach Children the Art of Voter Suppression
Andrew Golden

This Recession Has Spared No One, Not Even the Mythical and Folkloric Figures of Our Collective Western Imagination
Henry Alford and Ryan Haney

POLL: Do I Fully Understand the Concept of Margin of Error?
Ben Greenman

A Letter from the U.S. Department of Education Regarding the Birth of Your First Child
Mark Brownlow

Important Details About Your New Health Care Plan
Dan Kennedy

Robert Gibbs’s Dungeons & Dragons Game Goes Off the Rails
Travis Watt

The Labors of Unemployed Hercules
Luke Burns

Templates to the Editor
Bob Woodiwiss

Slightly Less-Cited Supreme Court Decisions
Rob Kutner

Archaic U.S. Senate Procedures
Lucas Klauss

Congressional Missed Connections
Sloan Schang

Chapter Titles for Rachel Carson’s 1962 Book Silent Spring That Were Rejected for Being Too Alarmist
Caredwen Foley

Fragments from HOT PLANET! THE MUSICAL
Ben Greenman

Recycle, Compost, or Trash? A Guide
Jenny Shank

Pickman’s Chicken Farm Is Now Cruelty-Free
Zack Poitras

Create Your Own Thomas Friedman Op-Ed Column
Michael Ward

The Gahhh! Institute
Lucas Klauss

Eyewitness News with Tom Denardo and Cheryl Clayburn
Seth Reiss

How Much I Had to Manipulate the Data to Make It Seem Like Things Were Looking Up
Ben Greenman

Little-Known Facts from the Guinness Book of World Records
Simon Rich

Ongoing Roadblocks in the Mongoose-Cobra Peace Talks
Bob Woodiwiss

The Girls of The Hills Visit Afghanistan
Wendy Molyneux

David Brooks Also Eats Cereal
John Warner

A Straw Poll of Issues on Voters’ Minds for This Upcoming Election, Based Only on the Conversation Initiations of the Morose Security Guard Who Sits in the Lobby of the Building Where I Work
Ryan Haney

Photo Ops to Gain More Than 50% of the Electorate
David Hart

Dance Dance Revolution
Matthew Bonnan

Actual Subject Lines of E-mails I’ve Received from Barack Obama’s Campaign That Sound Like He’s Asking Me Out and Then Breaking Up with Me
Sarah Walke

Fragments from SANTORUM! THE MUSICAL
Ben Greenman

Spreading the Good Word: A Missionary’s Guide
Wendy Molyneux

The 700 Club Does the Weather
Alex Kane

The First American Bidding War
Susan Schorn

The Front Porch Campaign, 1880
Chris White

Perhaps Now You Wish You Had Paid Closer Attention to Your Judicial Candidates for County Circuit Court!
Mike Lacher

Ordinary Circle or Pie Chart?
Ben Greenman

This Is a Reelection Campaign Stop, Not a Labor Day Weekend Beach Vacation
Ryan Haney

Laura Wingfi eld from The Glass Menagerie on the 2012 Republican Presidential Candidates
Kate Hahn

No Country for Anyone
John Warner

The Latest Deals from LivingCapitalist
Pete Reynolds

Voter Segments to Watch This Year
Sloan Schang

Accusations Leveled At a Dolphin Running for President
Eric Feezell

God Texts the Ten Commandments
Jamie Quatro

New Fears for the Twenty-First Century
Hannah Tepper

Fragments from STRONG GOVERNMENT! THE MUSICAL
Ben Greenman